|Amy and Samy Bouzaglo of Amy’s Baking Company|
As I approached the restaurant the door flew open and an old lady was thrown into the parking lot face first into a puddle of car oil. Then a woman who looked like Kate Gosselin’s uglier bitchier sister (Amy) drop kicked the blind lady’s seeing eye poodle clear over an Audi while yelling “JUST GO AWAY YOU REDDIT, YELP PIECE OF SHEET! IF YOU DON’T LIKE MY FOOD, YOU MUST BE BLIND!” I had no idea this place also had dinner comedy theater!
I entered the fine dining establishment and boy, was I lucky! The place was almost empty except for a young couple quietly sobbing in the corner and the bus boy wiping a small pool of blood and a couple of teeth up off the floor. I was instantly seated by a shy frightened server who slipped a note into my menu that read, “CALL 911, 911, 9111111!” Oh, these jokers!
An old dude with short white hair and dark bags under his eyes (Samy) came up to me and yelled “WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT, YOU CAMEL TOE MAFIA? BRING IT ON, PUSSY!” I was relieved that he didn’t recognize me as the slutty bitch and politely requested a glass of Manischewitz wine with two ice cubes it being the high holy days and all. That’s when Amy Gosselin’s head with eyes bulging like she had a major thyroid condition slowly rose up from behind the counter. Steam was coming out of her ears and nostrils as she yelled “MANISCHEWITZ? WE DON’T SERVE YOUR TRASHY KIND HERE!” I really thought my purple velour track suit and high top sneakers would hide my slutty bitchiness but I guess not
At that moment what appeared to be an entire SWAT team dressed in chef attire broke through the doors and windows swinging in on ropes. One of them who appeared to be the leader in a bakers hat grabbed Amy by the neck and said “THAT’S THE LAST TIME YOU TAKE CREDIT FOR MY TASTY CAKES YOU CAKE FAKER!!!” The baker leader then shoved an icing bag into Amy’s mouth and squirted a quart of pink frosting down her throat causing her to go into a diabetic coma and die instantly.
During this time it seems my server freed 13 small dirty children between the ages of 5 and 8 which Amy had kidnapped and was using as slave labor to repackage soccer balls to resell to Walmart for big profits. Samy was last seen being chased by the bus boy and the camel toe mafia (they actually exist!) down the alley while yelling “MY JEWEL OF THE DESSERT!” I never got my Manischewitz but I still had a bitchin’ time! I will definitely recommend this restaurant to all of my friends. Five Yelp stars, and a big Facebook thumbs up!!!”
Mary Cummins of Animal Advocates is a wildlife rehabilitator licensed by the California Department of Fish and Game and the USDA. Mary Cummins is also a licensed real estate appraiser in Los Angeles, California.
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